Whether she tuned in or not, Gisele Bündchen won’t give you the option to flee The Roast of Tom Brady.
Tom Brady‘s ex-wife was a major topic throughout the two-and-half-hour live Netflix special on Sunday, May 5, with host Kevin Hart kicking off the roast with jokes about Bündchen and her recent boyfriend, jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente.
“Gisele gave you an ultimatum. She said you have got to retire otherwise you’re done. But when you have got a likelihood to go 8-9 you gotta do it,” Hart said before joking that Brady “f–ked” coach Bill Belichick by leaving the Latest England Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.”You f–ked him good. You probably did, Tom, you f–ked your coach, but let me inform you something people … that’s what you’ve got to do to keep up your happiness. You sometimes got to f–k your coach. You already know who else f–ked their coach? Gisele. She f–ked that karate man.”
Hart continued: “I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. Considered one of the neatest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight f–king karate classes a day. … Eight karate classes a day and he or she’s still a white belt. F–k Tom. The one bruises she had were on her ass. everybody must have known it.”
Brady and Bündchen, who share two kids, split in 2022 after 13 years of marriage. The supermodel was first spotted with Valente in 2022, but denied having an affair. The twosome went public in early 2024, with a source telling Us that their friendship turned romantic in the course of the summer of 2023.
While Jeff Ross struck a nerve when he made a joke about Patriots owner Robert Kraft‘s massage scandal — leading Brady to whisper “don’t say that s–t again” on the mic — Ross also referred to Brady as a person “with so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.”
One-time Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe — who Brady replaced because the starter on the team in 2001 — joked how Brady didn’t get sacked often throughout his profession, quipping he was “pretty used to not being touched. Identical to at the tip of the wedding.”
He then joked that there’s two things he has experienced that Brady never will: being a primary round draft pick (Brady was drafted within the sixth round) and a twenty eighth wedding anniversary. “It was yesterday,” Bledsoe said of wife Maura.
Throughout his profession within the NFL — which saw him win seven Super Bowls — Tom Brady also made headlines for his quite a few A-list romances. Brady dated Bridget Moynahan from 2004 to 2006, welcoming their son, Jack, in 2007. The now-retired Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback was already dating future wife Gisele Bündchen when Moynahan found […]
Nikki Glaser — who was the primary to joke about Brady’s past split from then-pregnant Bridget Moynahan — didn’t hold back with the Bündchen jokes.
“You may have seven rings. Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back,” Glaser said of his seven Super Bowl wins. (Former teammate Randy Moss made a callback to the joke during his set, telling fans to vote on whether Brady should give him a Super Bowl ring or the ring Bündchen gave back.)
As Brady appeared barely uncomfortable with the entire attention of his ex-wife, Glaser noted that the “only thing dumber” than Brady agreeing to do that roast was telling Gisele to do jiu-jitsu. She then made an NSFW joke about how hard it have to be knowing “your ex wife’s recent boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers.”
Things took a dark turn when Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer displayed Photoshopped picture of Hitler with Brady, saying, “The one difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck together with his wife until the tip.”
Former teammate Julian Edelman joked about Brady’s many nicknames, including the GOAT, quipping: “Or as I wish to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” (Bündchen and DiCaprio dated from 2000 to 2005.) The wide receiver then made a joke that played into quips about Brady’s looks and sexuality: “When your wife left, I considered getting rid my beard too.”
Andrew Schulz joked about Brady needing a lawyer. “That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you may learn easy methods to f–k a Brazilian out of half their purse,” he said. “Tom was once asked which one in all his rings was his favorite and he said, ‘The subsequent one.’ Sorry that was a Gisele quote. My bad.”
In the long run, Brady opted to poke fun on the situation, saying in his roast at the tip: :There have been a whole lot of jokes tonight, but I miss the love of my life … football.”
The Roast of Tom Brady is now streaming on Netflix.
